36w0d

I am really down to the wire at this point and am more giddy and anxious than anything else. You know the feeling…it’s similar to counting down the weeks before a long awaited vacation or big event. I feel so overwhelmed and impatient. I want Nugget to be here now now now, happy and healthy.

Emotionally I am a wreck. My grandmother is very ill and I am crying almost every day. My mom had to place her in an Assisted Living Facility 2 weeks ago because she was in serious need of help with day to day activities. The deterioration she has experienced in these past 2 weeks has been mind blowing. She has Alzheimer’s so severe that it’s a wonder it has only recently been diagnosed. Any fool with access to the internet could tell me that she’s had mild Alzheimer’s for years now. I find it so ridiculous that her doctor never officially diagnosed her, despite my mother continually questioning whether she could have the disease or not.

Last Saturday, Norman and I went to visit her while my parents were out of town with my brother and his new baby and I freaked out when I saw her. I started to cry uncontrollably and got pains in my belly. I had never seen her look so terrible before. I said I though she was dying. I called my mom from the ALF house and told her. She said she knew how bad it was. I had no idea. She got bad so quickly. I visit her on Saturdays and the week before she was so much better. She is now to the point of being unrecognizable.

I had nightmares all last Saturday night and have been so distraught. I was supposed to visit her yesterday so that my mom could have the day off but they called her and told her she was so bad they were considering taking her to the hospital. My mom left work and visited her and thinks she is dying. She needs hospice. This is so awful. I just want to crawl into a hole and wither away. My mother is beside herself.

The thought of death and mortality overwhelms me. I want my grandmother to meet Sienna so desperately. I know she likely won’t even recognize her as her great granddaughter but I don’t care. I need her to hold on. She was always telling me how all she was doing was praying to God that he would give her life to meet her great grandchildren. Now she can’t walk or feed herself, much less form coherent words. Worst of all, I find myself staying away because I am too weak and afraid and get so affected when I see her this way and I feel so guilty about it.

So that’s what’s going on. I am still working every day and exhaustion settles in quickly. Last night I took a long nap when I got home from work. I bet I could have slept straight through the night if I let myself.

I am buying the last few things I need for my hospital bag this afternoon. Other than that I am pretty much set I think. My mind is mushy now.